...and I've learnt

...and I've learnt not to be afraid of love.

Because to fear love is to fear life,

and if you fear it, this life will eat you alive.

...and I've learnt to not to be afraid of risking.

Because loving you can get hurt, you can suffer,

but without loving you can't even say you're alive.

...and I've learnt not to be afraid to tell you,

that it's your love that makes me feel complete,

Because without you I can't say I truly feel alive.

So much has happened...

In the last months many things happened, both good and bad.

Many things changed, and I changed aswell.

I can't say that I am living an unhappy life, I've graduated with a great score, important job offers rained on me, I've discovered that I have some great friends I should really treasure.

If many good things happened, however, there are some that didn't allow me to enjoy the succesful moments to the fullest. I've lost my grandpa. I was really attached to him, and I saw him day by day fade away from me. It wasn't a good period, I think I've been out of it for a good while. Till the end he smiled to me, I will never forget his smile.

At the same time, I've lost the smile of my most precious person.

Misunderstandings, Incidents, and this Fuckin' distance took their toll on us.

I am aware of the bad sides of my character. I can be hasty, hotheaded, and short-tempered. But as much as a selfish person I can be, wrong or right, God only knows if everything I did and said, for whose sake it was.

Looking back, I think I've been quite understanding and patient, more than I've ever been with anyone else, there was something on her that fueled my passion. Maybe because no matter what happened, I could see through her clear eyes and know she was the sweetest, kindest and most caring person, someone to protect, someone to save from the meaniness of the world, someone to hug tight and love deeply.

We've been apart for many months now, something seems to have changed, some sentences said from her lips scarred me deeply, I would have never expected those words coming from her, it's as if they weren't hers, as if someone made her believe those.

As for me, even though I got away, as stupid as it may sound, I couldn't stop caring for her, and being asked out from someone else, made me realize I am not ready yet to simply discard all that happened so far.

After all that happened, it's not easy to sew back what we were, maybe it's impossible, but at least to me, all those feelings were so true they can't just be washed away like they were soap on a glass, that's why I want to believe in her, till the last breath.

I've always wanted for her an happy life, I might sound cheap or old, but I don't think anyone else could care for her and make her happy as I did. But if her path is with someone else, I can't be there and watch, I might be romantic but I am not a masochist. I know I'd suffer and worry at the same time that someone is taking advantage of the moment and that she might end getting used once more, please, not again. I know how much I'd get hurt, I know how the memories would be dirtied, I don't want it. If that were the case, she'll have to disappear from my life, this time forever, as if she was dead, but even then, unlike she might think, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to hate her, not then, not before, because not once I've hated her.

Tomorrow, or in a few days, I might lose that smile forever.

As impossible our dreams might seem, no, hell no, I don't want her to go.

Someone made me notice how I mostly write when I am filled with ill feelings, but that's because when I am happy, I prefer to live those moments with the people who make me happy and not write about it. And in the past year and half, I had plenty of marvelous moments. This is something that I wrote tonight, without a title:

It was long since I stopped believing in love,
it was all easy just to take without to give,
it was all safe just for your own sake to live,
it was, before you appeared, maybe from above.

Just like a tiny kitten that from the rain got wet,
you were so cute and yet so frail that bloomed in me,
a wish to protect 'n only an happy you I wanted to see,
from then on a seat in my heart you managed to get.

You bewitched me, it was a love spell, of that I am sure,
it was enough to watch you in the eyes, they were pure.
You charmed me, we promised to each other we would've cure,
to never forget, to never give up, not now, not in the future.

So much water under the bridges, so much has been,
it was hard at times, but just how much we were keen!
I was far, but how many times you sleeping I've seen,
that wonderful smile when you woke up, how much it sheen.

If I had to picture my future: you'd be still in the draw,
when I thought about you I sparkled so much everybody saw.
If I had to sculpt my tomorrow: you 'n me sticked with glue,
because you know, together also the sky was a little more blue.

Of all this, I don't know how much is left, and it's hard to bear.
No, I can't just stand still and wait for everything to disappear,
I don't want to have left as only memory left an empty salty tear,
'Coz yes, there are so many words unsaid that I wanted you to hear.

There are feelings that words can't express,
there are images that only a kiss can impress,
Your heart deep inside should know yet,
that mine on yours has always been set.

I want to shout, I want to say it loud,
alone, in a crowd, with sadness but proud,
I want to shout, because I really do,
No, Hell no, I don't want you to go.

Arrivederci Nonno

05/08/2011 - 10:53 pm

¤ Riposa sereno nei cieli a te tanto cari ¤

¤ Rest serenely in the skies so dear to you ¤

...

In silenzio su una sedia ti ho guardato dormire, placido,

come tante volte quand'ero piccolo hai vegliato su di me.

Aprendo gli occhi lentamente mi hai guardato,

abbozzando un sorriso così tenero e dolce

da sciogliermi il cuore e bagnarmi gli occhi.

Se guardo indietro, di te ho solo ricordi felici,

e anche questo sorriso voglio aggiungere alle tante emozioni

che negli anni passati assieme hai saputo regalarmi.

Ti voglio davvero un bene dell'anima...

---

In silence on a chair I was watching you sleep, placid,

like many times when I was a kid you watched over me.

Opening your eyes slowly you saw me,

sketching a smile so soft and sweet

that melted my heart and wet my eyes.

If I watch behind, I have only happy memories of you,

and also this smile I want to add to the many emotions

that during the years spent together you have been able to gift me.

I really love you with all my soul...

8th June.

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

as you might have noticed, I've been gone for a good half a year.

Things lately have been hectic, as example I've been attending my apprenticeship with Elasis / FGA. FGA stands for Fiat Group Automobiles, and it's a group that includes worldwide famous car producers like Fiat, Alfa, Lancia, Ferrari, Maserati, Chrysler, Jeep, Dodge. Maybe you might recall that I supposedly shouldn't be concerned with car industry, but I am currently working with HIL (Hardware-In-the-Loop) ECU (Engine Control Unit) Simulators. Basically we test & validate control units samples & prototypes before their immission on the market. Even though I wasn't a car's maniac, it's being stimulating and the staff I'm working with is made of very nice and expert people, so I'll give it a thought for the future.

I decided to come back today because tomorrow (or right now according to a different time-zone, as example... Manila's one) is 8th June.

Which is a particular day for different circumstances, let's see...

- X-men: First Class is day. But...there shouldn't be something else too...

- It's the ipv6 worldwide test day! Watchout for your net! But...it shouldn't be all...

- Uhuh, it's my little kid's birthday!

Hence, even though I stopped writing for a long long time, I decided that for her I could once more let my heart crystallize into words.

When I slowly walk outside of my home,

When among unknown faces I walk by,

It doesn't matter if night or if day,

raising my eyes to the infinite dome,

getting lost into the limitless sky's sight

I can't avoid but to think if even you

in this moment are covered by the same blue

that like a blanket is wrapping us tight.

The sky, like our bond, so far yet so vast

that free from chains disrupts each forecast

but that nonchalant of time is fated to last.

Getting lost into the limitless sky's night

I can't avoid but warmly wanting to say

My dear Angel, have an Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday Little Pan!!!