From my notebook...

Those of you who know me personally, should know that I am not a person that likes to use the word "miss" often. I've often refrained from using that, maybe there were times I shouldn't have.

After 2 years spent together with a person, side by side, everyday, sharing emotions and moments, she becomes part of your life, and when she's not there with you anymore, something changes, there is something lacking, there is something...missing.

In the past months, I wanted to understand a certain feeling I had inside of me, I wanted to check how deep it was and if it was really important or it was just caused by the habit of being together, so I decided to take note on my notebook whenever there was something missing.

It was something for myself, never intended to be shared, but today sorting the stuffs into my drawers I found that notebook. Reading what I wrote I thought that given how things went, now like now, those don't matter anymore, since they were precious moments for me, but it seems I won't be able to bring those back, no matter the effort.

I don't know if I was more sad about those moments being lost, or to how easily and fastly they were apparently forgotten.

I decided I shouldn't live in the past anymore, but to focus more on my future.

I still deeply care for that person, but feelings are like flowers, they need to be nurtured if we want to keep them with us, and more than all, feelings, love in instance, can't be one-sided.

You can do your best but if the person you're doing it for, doesn't turn to watch you, it's useless, you can speak the most sincere words from your heart, but if the person you're opening your heart to, doesn't want to listen to you, it's pointless.

Things can drastically change in the blink of an eye, I don't know what will be of me in a year from now, time proved to be able to change our lives and our feelings, making them fade away, even those feelings we thought could never disappear; today I can still somehow hope that something will happen and solve all the misunderstandings, tomorrow I don't know...

[ From my notebook: ]

-I miss...your smile whenever I see you.

-I miss...you blowing me a kiss on my cheek.

-I miss...your eyes, so deep, yet so sweet.

-I miss...your kindness and your affection, the feeling of being treasured and loved.

-I miss...hearing you call me oniichan, I found it silly at first, but then it became something I was attached at, something only you could call me.

-I miss...those long nights spent talking with you, I needed to sleep...but I always ended being late because I just couldn't stop staying with you.

-I miss...waking up, turning off my alarm on my phone, and reading your goodmorning text on it.

-I miss...coming back home from a tiring day outside and seeing you telling me welcome back.

-I miss...getting distracted by you during my classes, and having you shoot at my colleagues in the back row.

-I miss...showing you how I cook my food, and having you with me on my table during my meals.

-I miss...going to sleep into my bed, but still taking the chance to send you that last message from my phone.

-I miss...having my nap while checking if the red dot is still on, knowing you're there watching over me.

-I miss...telling you goodnight and watching you sleep, watching you roll & roll & roll into your bed, watching you dream.

-I miss...putting my feelings into words and making it rhyme when writing a poem for you.

-I miss...having you believe in me whatever challenge I had ahead.

-I miss...telling you maghaian.

-I miss...you telling me you like my dimples, my hands and my eyes.

-I miss...watching you focused on your work.

-I miss...your crazy crazy crazy cheerfulness.

-I miss...working, turning to the other monitor and seeing you stare at me gently.

-I miss...watching you comb your hair.

-I miss...reading the same mangas together.

-I miss...laughing like idiots together at pictures found on facebook.

-I miss...watching you eat with chopsticks and thinking "I'd never manage to".

-I miss...playing games with you, and getting surprised when you pull off a crazy trick.

-I miss...teaching you italian on skype, laughing, and you telling me that my pronounce sucks.

-I miss...cheering you up whenever you're down, because I could give you the strength to keep trying.

-I miss...surprising you.

-I miss...seeing you all wrapped into a blanket just like a kitten.

-I miss...coming out of the shower and showing you my wet hair and my shaved face, because I knew you liked them.

-I miss...posting flowers on your wall before going to sleep.

-I miss...your clumsiness, and how much of a moe klutz you are.

-I miss...your voice, and how cute it sounded.

-I miss...getting home all panting after a long run in the park, and seeing you before my shower.

-I miss...seeing you wake up, with your sleepy, puppy eyes, but a childishly adorable face.

-I miss...coming back home in a rush to tell you all that happened to me, and to listen to what happened to you.

-I miss...you spamming my facebook profile.

-I miss...that even if our relationship was hard, we never lost hope we'd manage to pull it off in the end and live happy together.

-I miss...dreaming of a future together, planning of the things we'd do, the stuffs we'd eat, the places we'd visit.

-I miss...to have you with me as the unique sure thing in the future, everything was unsure, but you, you were there in my future.

I don't know what I'll think when in a year or two I will read this post again.
I don't know if I'll feel sad, I know this is something I don't want to forget, and I know I won't be able to forget it, because even then, despite everything, it'll be among the most important moments of my life, but I don't want to suffer for it anymore either.

But I know that if I were to choose now, I'd prefer to be together with you while reading this, and to laugh about it as something that didn't manage to set us apart.

(PS. I created the GIF used in this post from some pictures I found on the net. The drawings were inspiring and romantic, so...)