In the last months many things happened, both good and bad.
Many things changed, and I changed aswell.
I can't say that I am living an unhappy life, I've graduated with a great score, important job offers rained on me, I've discovered that I have some great friends I should really treasure.
If many good things happened, however, there are some that didn't allow me to enjoy the succesful moments to the fullest. I've lost my grandpa. I was really attached to him, and I saw him day by day fade away from me. It wasn't a good period, I think I've been out of it for a good while. Till the end he smiled to me, I will never forget his smile.
At the same time, I've lost the smile of my most precious person.
Misunderstandings, Incidents, and this Fuckin' distance took their toll on us.
I am aware of the bad sides of my character. I can be hasty, hotheaded, and short-tempered. But as much as a selfish person I can be, wrong or right, God only knows if everything I did and said, for whose sake it was.
Looking back, I think I've been quite understanding and patient, more than I've ever been with anyone else, there was something on her that fueled my passion. Maybe because no matter what happened, I could see through her clear eyes and know she was the sweetest, kindest and most caring person, someone to protect, someone to save from the meaniness of the world, someone to hug tight and love deeply.
We've been apart for many months now, something seems to have changed, some sentences said from her lips scarred me deeply, I would have never expected those words coming from her, it's as if they weren't hers, as if someone made her believe those.
As for me, even though I got away, as stupid as it may sound, I couldn't stop caring for her, and being asked out from someone else, made me realize I am not ready yet to simply discard all that happened so far.
After all that happened, it's not easy to sew back what we were, maybe it's impossible, but at least to me, all those feelings were so true they can't just be washed away like they were soap on a glass, that's why I want to believe in her, till the last breath.
I've always wanted for her an happy life, I might sound cheap or old, but I don't think anyone else could care for her and make her happy as I did. But if her path is with someone else, I can't be there and watch, I might be romantic but I am not a masochist. I know I'd suffer and worry at the same time that someone is taking advantage of the moment and that she might end getting used once more, please, not again. I know how much I'd get hurt, I know how the memories would be dirtied, I don't want it. If that were the case, she'll have to disappear from my life, this time forever, as if she was dead, but even then, unlike she might think, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to hate her, not then, not before, because not once I've hated her.
Tomorrow, or in a few days, I might lose that smile forever.
As impossible our dreams might seem, no, hell no, I don't want her to go.
Someone made me notice how I mostly write when I am filled with ill feelings, but that's because when I am happy, I prefer to live those moments with the people who make me happy and not write about it. And in the past year and half, I had plenty of marvelous moments. This is something that I wrote tonight, without a title:
It was long since I stopped believing in love,
it was all easy just to take without to give,
it was all safe just for your own sake to live,
it was, before you appeared, maybe from above.
Just like a tiny kitten that from the rain got wet,
you were so cute and yet so frail that bloomed in me,
a wish to protect 'n only an happy you I wanted to see,
from then on a seat in my heart you managed to get.
You bewitched me, it was a love spell, of that I am sure,
it was enough to watch you in the eyes, they were pure.
You charmed me, we promised to each other we would've cure,
to never forget, to never give up, not now, not in the future.
So much water under the bridges, so much has been,
it was hard at times, but just how much we were keen!
I was far, but how many times you sleeping I've seen,
that wonderful smile when you woke up, how much it sheen.
If I had to picture my future: you'd be still in the draw,
when I thought about you I sparkled so much everybody saw.
If I had to sculpt my tomorrow: you 'n me sticked with glue,
because you know, together also the sky was a little more blue.
Of all this, I don't know how much is left, and it's hard to bear.
No, I can't just stand still and wait for everything to disappear,
I don't want to have left as only memory left an empty salty tear,
'Coz yes, there are so many words unsaid that I wanted you to hear.
There are feelings that words can't express,
there are images that only a kiss can impress,
Your heart deep inside should know yet,
that mine on yours has always been set.
I want to shout, I want to say it loud,
alone, in a crowd, with sadness but proud,
I want to shout, because I really do,
No, Hell no, I don't want you to go.
