Even if we have known each other for more than 8 years, it all really started exactly 2 years ago, on the 5th of march. Maybe if things would have gone differently this could've been a special day for us, just like an anniversary :) .
But things rarely go the way we'd want them to go, and so about 10 days ago, with yet another pointless misunderstanding, we reached the point of saying goodbye.
On my side, I kept trying till the very end, but little by little, I realized I couldn't keep it up like that. Even if I hoped to be able to fix it all, inside I was afraid that just like a broken vase, when you try patching it with glue, it doesn't get back to be what it was before. Nonetheless I believed in that chance, as small as it might've been, to be able to overcome this trial.
It's easy to fall in love with someone the first time; but try to fall in love a second time after the pain and the bruises on the heart. Maybe the Love starts right there, when despite knowing what is the pain, you decide to risk again. I thought that if we would've had the possibility to be able to see each other, all our misunderstandings would've just faded away, because our eyes have always been able to tell more in an instant than what a thousand words could.
I am not a perfect man, I never pretended to be one. I may have more flaws than perks, I've always said so. I've done many mistakes, I've recognized my errors, apologized for them.
I've changed my ideas, only idiots don't. But I can say I've always been honest and sincere, that even when I caused grief I didn't do it intentionally, that I really cared about her more than myself, that I tried to give her all my best, and that no, not once the thought she was an item, a toy, or even worse, crossed my mind. Not even once.
She might not believe it now, but she really was the most important person in my life.
I think it's a little unfair to think the fault is only on a side, to point at the mistakes of the other, and to think back to the past remembering only the bad moments. It's not that the way I want to remember you. If I think back, the images that come to my mind are only happy moments, sweet moments, precious moments that I will always treasure, even after years from now. And it's not because there have been only good moments, but because for me those worthed and were way more important than all the bad ones. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting what good there has been, and I want to always remember you with the smile I've always loved so much. Your smile.
I think this whole thing, made me mature under some aspects of my character. I think that if something similar would've happened in the past with someone else, I would've harbored bitter feelings and cursed all our story. But I either changed, or it's just her I can't bring myself to hate, not even now.
On the opposite, I wish her wholeheartedly all the best and the happiness she can dream of, for her and her family. Truth to be told, I can't wish for her to be with someone else, nor I want to even picture that image in my head, but I think that's just natural, I'd be an hypocrite if I said otherwise, it'd just mean that all my feelings can be discarded in just a few days.
You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been. If I look back now, I think that beside the many episodes in which we didn't manage to understand each other, also the fate put many adversities on our paths, personal problems that took a toll on us and that made us lose sight of our feelings.
I wish that in the end, she would've understood what I really wanted to tell her, and that I managed to convey my feelings.
Anyhow, we can't change our past, and as much as we regret some choices, some words, some actions, there is nothing we can do but to learn from them.
Here I am now, I still have a lot of things I would've wanted to tell her, a lot of things to show her, so many things I would've wanted to live together, but all this will be just like a message in a bottle dropped in the ocean, I don't know if it will come a day when we will talk again, most likely she won't even read these words I am writing right now and maybe the little door we've left won't be ever opened.
Of course I can't be happy given the situation, but I am trying my best not to be sad either, because even without an happy ending, the past two years have been filled with some of the best moments of my whole life, so many that maybe a thousand years wouldn't be enough to tell them.
They say that for every dark night there is an even brighter day, I don't know if it's true, but I won't stand still weeping on myself, it's time to grind my teeth and push forward, focusing on the many challenges that I have ahead.
I don't know how much it will take to move on, I am not searching for anyone, I don't know if I will meet someone like her, but even if I will, I am sure I won't forget her and what happened between us.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
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